Tag: relationships

Your Partner is NOT a Psychic!

How Mind-Reading Expectations are Ruining Your Relationship

The scene is not uncommon: You think you asked your significant other to load the dishwasher while you were out. In fact, you thought you agreed upon a complete to-do list since you’re working all day today and she’ll be home. But you didn’t. In fact, this isn’t the first time you thought you communicated to her what you wanted, but you didn’t. So when you get home, the sink is still full of dirty dishes, the laundry isn’t done, the dog desperately needs a bath, and you just worked a 45+ hour work week. You. Are. Livid.

Or maybe the scenario is more like this: You totally thought your partner understood how important this company party was to you. It’s a chance for you to introduce the most important person in your life to your boss and co-workers, hopefully creating more of a social connection between you and your co-workers.  Besides, everyone’s significant other will be present. However, two days before the event, you remind him that his best dress shirts are at the dry-cleaners and he replies, “Why would I need a dress shirt? I’m going to the football game on Saturday with the guys.” Cue disappointed tears.

Based on the previous examples, what is it the underlying cause of the frustration/hurt?

  • My partner didn’t anticipate my needs, which must mean that my partner doesn’t love me.
  • My partner doesn’t respect me enough to help me, so my partner doesn’t love me.

Society, through TV sitcoms, romantic comedies, social media, and yes, Disney movies, have ingrained us from a young age with notions of “how relationships should work.” So many of us have bought into the lie that our partners are supposed to “get us if they love us”; that if your significant other really loves you, they should “know you by now” and just inherently know what you need/want. The problem is, unless you and your partner are super-/meta-humans with the gift of telepathy, an uncanny similarity to each other, or sleuth-like observational skills, your partner, at best, can only guess what you need or want. Sure, they’ll get it right some of the time. But why leave such an important part of your relationship to chance?

Whether it’s as simple as wanting a back massage, needing help with the kids, attending social obligations, receiving more attention in the bedroom, or craving gestures of affection, we CANNOT expect our significant others to read our minds. When we do, (“oh, I just wish he bought me flowers once in a while!” or “I wish she would take an interest in bungee-jumping”), we are creating an alternate reality in which our partners can never fit, while dangerously exalting that fantasy above our loved ones. We are setting them up to unknowingly disappoint us while simultaneously positioning ourselves to engender resentment, bitterness, and a cycle of critique and criticism. Eww…

So great, I’m already stuck in this cycle…what can I do? Start by COMMUNICATING your needs to your partner. I know it sounds oversimplified and cliche, but it cannot be overstated. Will it be awkward to tell your partner what you need from him/her? Maybe. Does it take practice (and mountains of tack)? Every single day. Could it save your relationship? Now that’s a possibility that’s based in reality!

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Courtney is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at The Holistic Mental Health Clinic in St. Petersburg, FL and lives with her not-so-telepathic husband. If you would like to learn how to better communicate your needs to your partner, or learn how to enjoy a more satisfying, fulfilling relationship, you can contact Courtney at 727-520-9447 or by email.

Your Essential Holiday Survival Guide: 3 Ways to Maintain Sanity, Hold onto Your Peace, and Thrive During this Holiday Season (Election-Year Edition!)

Allow me to paint the festive picture for you: The day is December 25th, exactly 46 days since the presidential election. Your extended family is gathered around your exquisitely decorated dining room table, that you’ve proudly compared to an Anthropologie mall display window. You know your manners. Never politics or religion at the dinner table. But Uncle Bob JUST WON’T STOP going on and on about gun rights, email scandals, wall-building, and did I just hear him say something about internment camps?!

Your grandfather is 76 years old and in the latter throes of dementia. He can’t help but comment on your brother’s new girlfriend’s weight gain, suggesting a bun-in-the-oven as he passes the rolls. You can feel the heat of her embarrassment from across the table and silently curse your decision to place the sweet, naïve fawn so close to a social grenade.

Your mother is fussing over your youngest sister, the world traveler who just won’t settle down and have a family. Normally, mom compares your life’s accomplishments to hers, unknowingly (?) causing a rift and further resentment between you and your sister. Today, gratefully, she refrains from bringing you into the mix and merely laments not having enough grandchildren to spoil.

And to top it all off, you just can’t shake that same feeling that seems to crop up every single year around this time: the melancholy, the heaviness, the fog, the inherent sadness that you just can’t define – that “meh” feeling that leaves you both emotion-less and with a surge of emotions just below your 2nd-glass-of-wine “cool” exterior.

Here are my top 3 essentials for surviving the holidays with grace and style:

1. Rein in Your Expectations

Take a step back and ask yourself, “are my expectations stealing my joy?”  

Practice gratefulness for things just the way they are.  Often the imperfections of the event become the laugh out loud stories you can enjoy together for many years to come.

Less truly is more. Identify areas where you can cut back:

  • If you love sending out Christmas cards, go for it!  If the thought of buying, addressing, licking and stamping cards makes you break out in a cold sweat, don’t feel bad about skipping the annual Christmas cards this year.
  • Delegate tasks.  For many of us, asking for help is a learned skill.  Take a deep breath and use this holiday season as your first steps toward new learning.
  • Take a few precious moments to rejuvenate yourself for your next round of tackling that to-do list. Create a quiet space for yourself (even if it’s the bathroom for 5 minutes), and practice mindfulness.

2.  Form and Maintain Healthy Boundaries

Practice assertive communication and consider this truth: often saying no to someone means saying yes to yourself. Remember your etiquette and don’t expect others to remember theirs (Did someone say “throwback tip #1?!?).

Zoom out, as opposed to zoning out; go big picture and rise above the fodder.  Ask yourself, what is the experience I want to have in this moment; what is the memory I want to create?  Hold onto that vision, then think and act accordingly.  Even if not all of your family and friends follow, you can rest assured that you acted wisely.   Be firm, yet kind. Model the golden rule.

3.  Remember that You’re Not Alone.

If this time of year seems to always be accompanied by a dense fog that blankets all of the festivities like a heavy snow, you’re not the only one. Instead of seeking relief in another cup of Uncle Eddie’s eggnog, seek the company of others.

  • Talk to friends.Talking with friends has real health benefits. In one study, women who did not have at least one close friend were found to have increased  psychological dysfunction such as anxiety, depression, sleep and eating disorders.  So call a friend and make some time for the two of you to be healthier together!
  • Talk to strangers. This may seem weird and counter-intuitive, but that’s the point!  Most of us think that talking with strangers will be of no benefit to us and that we are probably intruding, interrupting, or otherwise annoying the other person.  However, research shows us that when we talk to strangers, both us and the other person benefit. So, be that odd person who strikes up random conversations with someone in line at the supermarket. That “random conversation” may be just what someone else needs to make it through a season that often reminds so many of us of family conflict, drama, and loss.
  •  Talk to your Higher Power (Or whatever name you call Him or Her). Studies document the health benefits to having a spiritual connection.I like to focus on the personal, intimate connection.  You don’t have to go anywhere special or get dressed up.  You just have to open yourself up to have an intimate conversation.  Reflect on your life and the times you can acknowledge that you were not alone; perhaps it was the times that you were most stressed out and frustrated, seeing only one outcome. Maybe you thought you knew how things needed to be resolved, but come to find out, the way the situation unfolded was actually quite fine.  Invite Spirit into your life in a meaningful way that only a “heart to heart” conversation can bring.  You will be healthier and happier for it.
  • Talk to a professional counselor.  The holidays can be an especially difficult time for many people despite their best intentions.  Neuroscience is showing us that people who seek the assistance of a professional are getting more than just feeling better; they may even be getting a healthier brain!Finding a professional you trust and feel comfortable talking with can lead you to a happier and healthier 2017.

 

Courtney is a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at The Holistic Mental Health Clinic in St. Petersburg, FL. You can reach her at 727-520-9447 or by email at courtney@thmhc.com.